This account was written in 2013 as a part of my journal of spiritual awakening.
“Better a near death experience than a near life experience!!” Ha! I woke up with that thought. So glad I am having a truly meaningful expansive life experience, as unconventional as it may appear to others, than a NEAR-LIFE experience! This approach to life feels like so YES!
Today this moment now in all moments now I am alive! I am blissful!
No striving, no accomplishing, just simply the I AM as me being me!
I am SO happy! I feel in love with love itself and I feel loved back! Like the greatest unconditional, unshakeable love one could ever know and experience. I am supported and loved beyond measure, I have always been, and will always be! I feel the love of Source coursing through me and flowing as me, through me, all is me and all is LOVE!
Once in my twenties following a big abrupt change in my life I threw up my hands in the air and handed over the burden of what I had no answers for, not knowing to whom or what I was handing it over to, and I said “I give up! I surrender!”
I laid back in the hammock by the little creek that bordered my then home, and thought “I don’t know how to think, how to feel, what to do, what it means to love or be loved anymore, I have done all I can that I used to think was best, and my life still isn’t unfolding the way I expected it to, so I SURRENDER!”
In that second I was taken, rather flown or transported, beyond the container of the then me, beyond what I had known before, beyond what others had told me life was all about. In that moment that transcended time and space, in that nanosecond that touched eternity, I, not as a body or personality anymore but the expanded consciousness unified me, merged with the greatest Love I have ever known and the Knowing bubbled up within me as “Ah” and “Awe” and “Bliss” and “Oneness.” I felt one with the stars, one with all, one with that which has no words, just a welcoming embrace of comfort, love, security—deeply, eternally, richly, embraced in a cosmic blissful sea—just this, only this, is all there is, there is no loss, no lack, no time, no limitation, no anything but this—great, great, eternal LOVE.
I came back a bit startled, a bit amazed, totally relieved, totally excited, and from that day on I knew this was my truth, the eternal truth of All That Is, and yet so much more than I would ever know as me. It felt in the strangest of ways that it was still me just a really really big me beyond all ideas of separation beyond what my current imagination and constructs could hold. But it felt also that no matter what I choose while playing in this body, I could not be lost, forgotten, or left out or left behind, ever, and instantly I knew no matter what I choose, I can not get this life-in-a-human-body-thing wrong. I understood Source was waiting for me (and all beings) always, but beyond waiting, it just was and is, eternally accessible, eternally loving, eternal beingness, eternal love. And though it remained a part of me like a distant memory or dream, it escaped me again just as easily as it had come, it remained apart from me for days, weeks and years on end. Though I always hoped I would return to this place of pure knowing, pure love, pure Isness, in my seeking it remained sought, just beyond my reach. I would touch the hem of its radiance and it would draw me in, and I would melt joyfully into its arms of grace. But it, or rather I, would retreat again into the realms where doubt and fear and beliefs of separation would keep me from its tenderness—its infinite pool of Love, of Trust, of Knowing, of pure Isness and Grace.
For the first time yesterday I felt of glimpse of Oneness return not as an outside concept anymore, a place to escape to, a place to try to reach again to find relief and solutions from the life experiences of chaos and drama, of sadness and loss. I have practiced and practiced to fine-tune my thoughts, master my emotions, contribute vibrationally only to that which I want to see more of in the world, in my world and the one we share. I have practiced so! I have learned so! I have come to know how to access bliss upon choosing my thoughts and focus, and I have come to know the power and the beauty that such a practice yields. Words are so inadequate to describe shades and nuances of bliss! Always it felt as though I was leaving the little me and joining a field beyond what is, yet paradoxically, through, what is. Yesterday to my great joy, through heart-spilled-over-into-eyes tears of love and compassion and grace, I felt Source/Love/Life/Oneness coming to and through ME, rather than me dissolving into Her. I felt Source breathing me, enveloping me and merging completely with me and all here, in this place of breath, earth, rock, tree, water and sky.
Today I am at home as never before, supported, uplifted, eyes still brimming with tears of great love, great awe and great joy. I am home as never before. I am I AM and I AM is me and I AM HOME, never to leave, never to be left again, all is and all is Love, all is always well, for nothing else exists. This I Know, and this Knowing is me. And to this Knowing I surrender wholeheartedly, dissolving into the Now, again and again, knowing more is always yet to be known, to be loved, to be felt within each breath, within each cell, within each cosmos of the great unknown. In my awe and humbleness I am grateful, grateful beyond words.